Woke Man Hates His Penis After Watching Charlie’s Angels
Doug Smith was moved by the recent Charlie’s Angels movie.
He told The BloJo Movie Network that he was overwhelmed by female empowerment and had a greater appreciation for girl power. However, since the movie released to mediocre reviews and low box office numbers, he hasn’t been able to stand the sight of his own penis.
"I hate my penis," he said. "I realized how insignificant my small penis was in comparison to the awesomeness of women. I think the male genitalia is the root of all our problems. I feel woke. For the first time, I fully appreciate the full scope of feminism. And the only way to respect the power of the vagina is to hate my own penis.”
He continued, “The movie has made me so woke that I can't even stand the sight of phallic objects including, but not limited to, bananas, traffic cones, pool noodles, Jimmy John's sandwiches, singer Pitbull's head, and my own uvula. Also: pickles, hotdogs, fingers, most lamps, Florida, and the Redtube section marked ‘huge clits’.”
Smith pointed out that he hasn’t hated his penis this hard since he watched Terminator: Dark Fate. As he explained, “I was convinced that my penis was sent from the future. I had a dream that I was a naked time traveler. And when I arrived in my future bubble, I had a raging boner. The only rational explanation is that my penis was sent by Skynet. I awoke in a bed full of tears because I thought my penis was going to be responsible for Judgement Day. I was afraid my stupid penis was going to kill John Connor, or worse. Maybe everything on the planet.”
After being hospitalized, Smith was diagnosed with ultra-feminism. He suffered a period of severe depression and almost cut off his penis.
“I almost had to say hasta la vista to my wiener,” he said jokingly.
Mr. Smith meets weekly with other men who hate their penises after watching woke cinema. He has also been referred to a psychiatrist.
“I’m currently working on myself,” he said. “Every day is a struggle, but I keep hanging in there. I’m in a much better headspace now. We’ll see how I react to Rise of Skywalker when it releases next month.”
As a precaution, theaters are encouraging vulnerable viewers to consult a doctor before watching such empowering films.
How do our male readers feel about their penises? Let us know in the comments!
Scoop by Servian LeFever