Whoopi Goldberg to pose naked for charity
In disgusting yet delightful news, Whoopi Goldberg will pose naked for charity. The charity will benefit seriously ill children in hospitals around the United States.
"Every few seconds, a sick child needs our help,” she announced on The View this past Monday. “These kids are scared, lonely, and dying! But don’t worry, I have a plan! I will pose nude on this very show if it’ll save the life of a single child. It’s time to bare my soul and give back to these brave kids who inspire us."
After the announcement, several of Whoopi Goldberg’s past co-stars praised her decision and said if given the chance, they’d show their sexy parts if it would save a child from certain death.
“I’ve been a huge fan of saving sick kids for as long as I can remember,” said James Earl Jones. “I come from a big loving family, so to help sick kids would be great fun. In fact, the sicker the better. I will gladly shed my clothes for the children. It sounds like such a great way to spend an afternoon. And The View would be a spectacular and appropriate place to show the world our naked bodies”
“Listen to me very carefully,” said Robert De Niro. “There are three ways of doing things around here: the right way, the wrong way, and the way of the Whoopi! That woman is a blessing in disguise. Are you listening to me? She’s a goddamn saint! Look, I don’t think anybody wants to see my old wrinkly balls, but I’ll show them for charity. I've been in the business for a lot of years, I’ve done a lot of stuff, but if you give me a dollar, I’ll give you an eyeful.”
Our friends over at The BloJo Movie Network recently told us that autographed posters of Sister Act, Ghost, and Jumping Jack Flash will be sent to theaters throughout the country. Nude variants will also be available at an extra cost. 25 cents of every $1 you give goes directly to sick children. We don’t know where the rest of the money goes.
However, all the major theatre chains (AMCXXX, Regal Beagle, Cinespank, Goodbitch Quality Theaters, etc.) recently announced they’d donate $10 million dollars’ worth of stale popcorn to every children's foundation if Whoopi keeps her clothes on.
“Seriously, nobody wants to see Whoopi naked--gross,” said an undisclosed CEO of a massive theater chain. “We will do everything in our power to help the children and to keep the robe on Whoopi.”
Question -- are you looking forward to seeing Whoopi Goldberg buck-ass naked? Let us know in the comments below!
In other news, a newlywed couple were caught having sex in the front row during Spider-Man: No Way Home. The couple were completely unaware that they were being filmed by fellow movie goers. The video was shared to social media with the caption: "Does this make your peter tingle?”
Scoop by Mike Oxlittle