Ridley Scott invents ‘Death Sprint’ filmmaking

Ridley Scott, the legendary director behind Alien, Gladiator, and Blade Runner, just celebrated his 87th birthday. And if there’s one thing Ridley fears more than Xenomorphs or bad Rotten Tomatoes scores, it’s kicking the bucket before finishing his latest project.

This fear has reportedly inspired Scott’s unique production style, affectionately known in Hollywood as “Death Sprint Filmmaking.” The method involves greenlighting a movie, hiring a cast, and shooting it faster than you can say, “Gladiator 2?”

Insiders claim that Scott’s recent films have been edited in real-time as they’re being shot, a process not seen since the live broadcasts of old television shows. One anonymous actor on the set of Napoleon said: “Ridley doesn’t yell ‘Cut!’ anymore. He just yells, ‘Hurry! I don’t have time for a second take!’” Rumor has it Scott’s shooting schedule for Napoleon was so tight, Joaquin Phoenix had to method-act on horseback and in craft services because the crew didn’t have time for lunch breaks.

“Look, I’m 87,” Ridley reportedly told his producers. “Do you know what that means? The Grim Reaper could show up tomorrow! If I want to see the premiere of my next movie, I need to start shooting before the script is finished! Hell, I’ve already started filming Gladiator 3 and Prometheus 3 at the same time. There’s no rest for the wicked.”

So despite his age, Scott isn’t slowing down. Rumor has it he’s about ready to announce a sequel to every film he’s ever made. Gladiator 3,4 and 5? It’s practically done. Blade Runner 2099? Already shot, edited, and slated for a nine-hour miniseries. Even The Martian 2 is allegedly in pre-production. Naturally, all these sequels will clock in at a minimum of three hours, with extended director’s cuts that add an extra 45 minutes of Ridley mumbling into a microphone about “visual storytelling.” Insiders say Scott has already hired a team of editors to work around the clock, ensuring the extended versions can drop on streaming before he drops.

With that said, here’s to many more years of sweeping vistas, intense monologues, and adding 45 extra minutes to every movie because why not? Cheers to a dashing old man who keeps proving that time waits for no auteur. Whatever that means. Happy Birthday!

-Gropo Chutney