Plan For D+ After Dark Theme Land: The Horniest Place On Earth After 2nd Quarter Losses!
The insanely anticipated second-quarter earnings report from entertainment behemoth Walt Disney is now out. All in all, it could have been better for the mouse. While far from disastrous, there's a reason share prices plummeted like a dank Midwest roller coaster. Disney posted a net loss of $4.72 billion for the quarter. The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic is to blame, which has kept Disneyland hemorrhaging cash.
“Simply put, the parks are bleeding out the ass, with no end in sight,” said analyst Rich Dickland in a TikTok video posted ahead of the earnings release.
However, Disney on Tuesday announced an aggressive plan that is sure to perk up park-goers. The company has decided to add more magic within its property: Disney Parks and Resorts is beginning planning efforts to add D+ After Dark Theme Land: The Horniest Place On Earth.
"This time we’re thinking with our heads. Our best path forward is right in front of us," Ken Pockets, the president of D+ After Dark, said in a statement. "Now is the time to be hard, to fantasize, to empower, and to come with the magic."
Our sources at The BloJo Movie Network told us the idea started out as a secret "Eyes Wide Shut" style sex club for Disney execs, but their sexual appetites just weren't being satisfied with each other. They needed to open it to the public, expanding their wanton desires on a massive scale.
Meanwhile, the underground LGBTQ community had a renaissance of Disney-themed sex raves in recent years. In a stroke of genius and kismet, Bob Asschaps, CEO of Disney, combined his involvement in both sultry scenes to form D+ After Dark streaming service. Riding bare back on the success of his Disney-themed sex cruises, Asschaps decided to set his sights and insatiable appetites on the biggest, raunchiest, most hedonistic Disney-themed sex park on the planet. He's dubbed it, "The horniest place on earth."
“Boasting the most hedonically advanced and orgasm-inducing rides since Chuck E. Cheese After Dark, our hope is that when riders are done, we don't have to tell them to "get off" the ride ... because they already will have,” said Asschaps.
So, what rides do you want to get off on? Does this announcement make you horny? Will this perk up park attendees? Will Disney stop bleeding from the ass? Again, let us know your thoughts in the comments.
In other news, Amazon has secured the rights to James Gunn’s Alf Movie in order to set up their newest and most expensive endeavor yet: The ACU (Alf Cinematic Universe). Hollywood Blatherer has reported that Martin Scorcese and George R. R. Martin are on retainer for Alf 2: Melmac and Me.
This article doesn’t represent the opinions of the writer, who may or may not disagree with this titillating announcement.
Scoop by JJ Moxie