New Conjuring Spin-Off Will Focus On A Possessed Pee-Wee Herman Doll
It's been long-rumored that the new Conjuring spin-off, Pee-Wee’s Scary Adventure, would tell the tale of the creepy doll known as Pee-Wee Herman.
We’ve all heard the scary stories of Pee-Wee the killer doll, right? Everyone knows the lyrics to his haunting nursery rhyme. Well, the spinoff will show us his origins. The BloJo Movie Network recently sat down with director Jimmy Wang. Here’s the scoop...
Potential Spoilers Ahead...
“I probably shouldn’t be spilling the beans, but I have a hard time keeping it zipped up,” said Wang. “Pee-Wee was once a human serial killer named Charles Holland, aka The South Trail Masturbator. His father used to beat him, make him poke dead animals with a stick, and dress him in women’s clothes. One day, Freddy flips out and takes a chainsaw to his father’s face and drowns his mother in the lake behind their house. Over the course of the movie, he gets caught for the murders and spends 15 years in an insane asylum. He obviously escapes the asylum and is hunted by his obsessed twin brother who will do anything to catch him. With nowhere left to run, Freddy hides in the office of a run-down adult movie theater and transfers his soul to a perverted looking vintage doll--an evil technique he was taught by his speech therapist, Jeff. The movie ends with a mob of people burning him alive. I hope I didn’t spoil too much. Oh, and one more thing. John Carpenter is directing. Mic drop.”
The BloJo Movie Network reached out to John Carpenter. His answer was blunt. “Money is the only objective. Just pay me. Until the check clears I’ll be sitting at home in my underwear watching basketball.
While promoting his new comic book movie, SuperDuper Dad, Conjuring star Patrick Wilson gave his thoughts on the Conjuring spinoff. "It sounds like garbage,” Wilson said, “Then again, all the spinoff movies have been garbage. It sounds to me like they’re just ripping off 80s horror movies and riding on nostalgia. However, I’d rather watch this than another piece of shit Annabelle movie.“
The Conjuring spinoff is sure to scare the pants off movie goers when it is released in theaters in October of next year. Just don’t get caught masturbating. But if you think you’ve seen the end of the Pee-Wee Universe, think again.
As Wang also told our friends over at BloJo, “We’re going all out. Chairry, Globey, Pterri, Jambi, and Conky 2000 will be getting their own spinoffs. If they’re successful, we might even bring in more fan favorites. We’re even thinking about getting the rights to Alf and Teddy Ruxpin. Haunted Alf, anyone? Pee-Wee lovers will have a field day.”
So, do you want to see Pee-Wee’s Scary Adventure, or has the story already been ruined for you? Are you excited for the return of the master of horror, John Carpenter? Or is it just a quick cash grab? Are we crazy for even publishing this article? Well, all we can say to that is, “I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?” Let us know in the comments.
Also, when the movie releases we plan on giving away a screen-used Pee-Wee doll. That's right, you can own a bloody doll that was actually used in the movie! It might even be possessed. Look for details coming soon. Doll shown below. Please note that the images are not shown at actual size...
In other news, the legal battle over the Kenner Ewok Village playset making a man turn to bestiality gets sticky. It is speculated that 13.2% of all Star Wars fans will be affected. If you have desires to have sex with furry animals, please call 1-800-24-Endor.
Stay Woke, Videoland!
Scoop by Servian LeFever