Young stars of Skeleton Crew already in therapy to survive Star Wars fan backlash
In a bold, groundbreaking move by Disney, the young stars of Star Wars: Skeleton Crew are already being sent to pre-counseling sessions to prepare for what is perhaps the franchise’s most enduring tradition: toxic fandom backlash. Sources say the kids are being thoroughly trained to handle the inevitable tsunami of hatred, which may or may not begin the moment the show’s first episode drops.
“We’re getting them ready for the hard truth,” said one anonymous source from Disney. “99% of Star Wars fans will hate the show. That’s just the facts. We told them, ‘Look, your acting is going to be called cringe, your characters are going to be called stupid, and there’s a 75% chance someone will compare you to Jar Jar. Might as well get them used to the backlash before it actually happens.’”
In an attempt to soften the blow, the kids are reportedly going through rigorous emotional training. This includes guided meditation in a room designed to look like the Jedi Council chambers (though with a certified therapist instead of Yoda, naturally). Each kid gets their own therapy lightsaber to swing around when emotions get too strong.
“They’re even doing mock interviews where they’re trained to respond to inevitable comments like, ‘You ruined my childhood,’ and ‘Kathleen Kennedy’s reign of terror continues!’” shared a counselor. “We’ve equipped them with responses like, ‘Thanks for your feedback,’ and ‘Wow, you really care about this, huh?’ These kids are learning how to turn hate into passive-aggressive gold.”
To prepare for the eventual firestorm on social media, they’ve also been put through “Twitter Combat” training. Here, they’re required to scroll through endless streams of insults while maintaining a neutral face—a skill even Mark Hamill claims he never mastered. One session reportedly had the kids watch a 24-hour loop of toxic YouTube comments on The Last Jedi, while a therapist stood by, handing out stress balls shaped like the Death Star.
At the end of the day, Disney insists that Skeleton Crew will be a great addition to the Star Wars universe. But just in case, they’ve told the kids to expect the worse. “Hey, at least you’ll have a great time at Comic-Con in 2037 when people finally call the show ‘underrated,’” one therapist was overheard saying. Until then, the kids are prepared for the toxic fandom. After all, nothing says “Welcome to Star Wars” like the unconditional hate of the fans you just tried to entertain.
Scoop by Sam Sung