RUMOR: Canceled The Acolyte series revived as The Acolyte & Grogu movie

In a move that no one saw coming but everyone should have expected, Lucasfilm has canceled “Star Wars: The Acolyte” after one underwhelming season. Apparently, a story about lesbian witches and dark-side shenanigans just didn’t resonate with audiences. Who knew that a woke Star Wars prequel series would flop? (Everyone. Literally everyone knew.)

But fear not, dear Star Wars fans, because Lucasfilm has a plan! Get ready for “The Acolyte & Grogu!” Yes, that’s right—when in doubt, add Grogu. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the past few years, it’s that you can stick that little green cash machine in anything, and it will sell.

Lucasfilm has decided that every Star Wars movie from now on will include & Grogu in the title. It’s a strategy that practically guarantees box office success, critical acclaim, and most importantly, an endless stream of merchandise sales. Who needs originality when you have Grogu?

Just imagine the possibilities: “Knights of the Old Republic & Grogu,” Episode X & Grogu,” “Solo 2: Han & Grogu.” The brilliance of this strategy is its simplicity. Why bother writing a new story when you can just toss Grogu into the mix and watch the money roll in?

But wait—there’s more! Rumor has it that “The Acolyte & Grogu” won’t just feature our favorite pint-sized Jedi-in-training. No, this time, Grogu is bringing his twin brother and sister along for the ride. That’s right, double (or rather, triple) the Grogus means triple the cuteness, triple the Force powers, and triple the chances for Disney to sell you an extra plush toy.

Rumor has it, “The Acolyte & Grogu” will supposedly follow the Grogu triplets as they navigate the treacherous world of Sith plots, dark magic, and, of course, a coven of lesbian witches. Because nothing says “progressive storytelling” like a half-baked subplot designed to check every diversity box possible. Expect lots of meaningful glances, vague prophecies, and plenty of online debates about what it all really means. (Spoiler: it doesn’t mean anything.)

And what would an Acolyte movie be without the return of fan favorite character Ki-Adi-Mundi? What will he add to the movie? Who cares! Throw him in. But that’s not the only returning face. In what is becoming the worst-kept secret in the galaxy, Palpatine will also be making yet another comeback. Palpatine isn't even alive yet in this timeline, but somehow he'll return. A little bit of dark side magic and a sprinkle of witch dust, and he'll manage to come back before he's even born. “Somehow, Palpatine has returned” worked once, so why not again?

And we know what you’re thinking: What about the unresolved storylines, including Osha and Qimir’s new partnership, the Qimir/Darth Plagueis connection, and Yoda’s involvement? Whether any of these loose ends will be tied up in the movie is unknown, but with the movie hitting theaters soon, there’s hope. Maybe in the movie, we’ll learn more about Grogu. Maybe we’ll get more shirtless, ripped Qimir. Anything is possible with Grogu.

So, while “The Acolyte” may be dead, “The Acolyte & Grogu” promises to be the woke blockbuster of the summer that no one asked for but everyone will see. With its mix of dark-side drama, Force-sensitive toddlers, and obligatory social commentary, this movie is sure to please fans, critics, and most importantly, the Disney shareholders. Because in the end, the Force isn’t what binds the galaxy together—it’s Grogu. And as long as Grogu is in the picture, Lucasfilm is more than happy to keep beating this dead bantha until the credits roll.

Scoop by Darth Shattra