Robert Eggers Directing An Animated Lighthouse Prequel/Sequel Titled The Mermaids Vagina
As the coronavirus pandemic continues to spread unchecked throughout the United States and the rest of the world, our sources in Hollywood, bored out of their minds due to unprecedented lengths of self-isolation, have reached out to us with some compelling and exciting news about the much-anticipated prequel/sequel to The Lighthouse!
According to our source, the film (tentatively titled The Mermaid's Vagina) will reportedly tell the tale of the false siren Valeriia and her journey to the lighthouse after exile from Triton's realm. Born with a prominent vulva on her tail, her father Triton casts her out when he suspects her of bewitching mermen with her seductive snatch. Heartbroken, Valeriia journeys to the human world in the hope of charming a human male, who might be more receptive of her feminine wiles. Said to borrow themes from Eggers’ own The Witch and Hans Christian Andersen’s classic mermaid story, the film is certainly not one for children.
This is to be critically-acclaimed writer / director Robert Eggers' first foray in the world of animated filmmaking, and sources reveal that he plans to revive a number of classic animation techniques not seen in Hollywood since 1928's Walt Disney short film "Steamboat Willie", including hand-drawn cels with a thirty-five-millimeter print format.
After failing to land the title role in Disney’s live-action adaptation of The Little Mermaid, Zendaya is in talks to voice Valeriia, with Idris Elba as Triton. The BloJo Movie Network, who previously scooped the story on Steven Spielberg's upcoming artificial intelligence thriller A.I.D.S, is proud to spill the beans on The Mermaid's Vagina and can't wait to see what Eggers has in store for audiences moving forward!
In other news, BloJo has learned that Alf has contracted the coronavirus and infected half of the cast and crew. Doctors speculate that their steady diet of cocaine and cotton candy weakened their immune systems, but there is no conclusive evidence. We’ll be sure to keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Stay Woke, Videolanders!
Scoop by Mandy Laurie-Anne