Queen Elizabeth II says Johnny Lawrence is Princess Diana’s son
Breaking News coming straight from Her Royal Highness herself! On the eve of the 70th anniversary of her accession to the British throne, Queen Elizabeth II spilled the beans on the royal family. She issued a message to the United Kingdom that felt like a crane kick to the face.
"The royal family has been hiding a secret for many years. I can’t cover up this secret any longer. Johnny Lawrence is the legitimate son of Princess Diana. In the fullness of time, I pray you will give him the same support that you have given me; and it is my sincere wish that, when that time comes, you will join Eagle Fang Karate and become sincerely badass," she said in a message to the people.
Wow! The resemblance is uncanny, but people close to the queen who know how to use Wikipedia have repeatedly explained to her that Billy Zabka (the actor who plays Johnny Lawrence) is only four years younger than Princess Diana. However, that hasn't stopped the queen from yapping her gums. She insists that Johnny Lawrence is the son of the late Princess Diana. We would also like to point out that Queen Elizabeth ll is currently being monitored after her son, Prince Charles, tested positive for COVID-19 earlier this week. Rumors suggest that her doctors basically opened the medicine cabinet and dumped a little bit of everything down the queen’s throat to keep her alive, including horse dewormer. Is it possible that Queen Elizabeth was high as a kite when making this announcement? Or maybe the tough old broad is just senile.
The BloJo Movie Network has contacted Buckingham Palace to request an update on the queen’s mental and physical health. As of this article, the queen’s condition is a mystery and the Palace is keeping everything concerning Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) under wraps.
Being thorough journalists as they are, BloJo decided to reach out to William Zabka for an interview. At first, he told the reporters to go to hell, and then roundhouse kicked them in the heads. However, they bribed him with a cold Coors and a bag of chips. Afterward, he responded:
“The old country thinks Princess Diana is my mom? Aren’t we close to the same age? I don’t know crap about my real father. If he was anything like me, he probably hooked up with a lot of chicks. He was probably a pussy magnet. He probably had sex with a lot of princesses. Anyway, thanks for the beer. This stuff will put hair on your balls. Call me if you pussies have any more questions.”
They had more questions, but before they could ask them, Zabka was already in his 1991 Pontiac Firebird. We were told he flipped them the bird. Guns and Roses could be heard over the screeching tires as he peeled away. Side note: Both reporters thought it was impressive that Willam Zabka stayed in character the entire interview.
What do you guys think? Does William Zabka look like Princess Diana? Could they be long-lost siblings? Secret fraternal twins? Conjoined twins? That’s just disgusting. Anyway, it’s cool that the queen is a fan of Cobra Kai. God save the Queen!
In other news, Robert Rodriguez will direct and executive produce a new live-action series, Vespa Riders, about a group of space hipsters who have colorful and unique scooters. The riders must learn to work together to combine their scooters to form a giant scooter and use it to save the universe.
Scoop by Ben Debanana