Buddy Cop Movies Defecated On, Set On Fire, And Thrown Into Lake As Pop Culture Reckons With The Death Of George Floyd
MINNEAPOLIS — It is no secret that things are looking worse than shitty for anything police related. It’s an emotional trajectory that started with the death of George Floyd. And that includes movies. Recently, after a lengthy protest, a local store was looted that contained a bargain bin full of buddy cop movies. The movies were then defecated on, set on fire and thrown into a local lake. News outlets report that protesters gathered near the lake in a strong show of solidarity. White and black people throwing their looted cop movies like Molotov cocktails at an invisible enemy. Some bystanders say it was liberating and a beautiful sight to behold, while others say the display was beyond confusing....and disgusting.
ABC Barely 18 reporters are telling us the smell coming from the area is horrendous. One reporter described her experience: “It’s a sea of burnt plastic and feces. It’s quite disgusting. The best way I can describe the smell is by saying this place smells like a hobo’s dick cheese. It smells like homeless people are fucking out here. Oh, wait, homeless people are fucking! I feel like I’m going to throw up. This is the apocalypse. Helicopters are flying over our heads. People are screaming. Homeless people are fucking! It’s a nightmare! It reminds me of the rave scene from Matrix Reloaded. This is what my grandparents told me Judgment Day would look like. When will this madness end?!”
A sign that reads “All Cop Movies Are Racist! ” has been placed at the front of the line, where protesters can defecate, ejaculate, and set fire to their favorite cop movies before throwing them into the lake of fire.
After the protesters, ravers and homeless had left the scene, we talked with rookie officer Drew Breezy.
“I don’t wanna be a cop anymore,” he told us. “I didn’t sign up for this shit. I don’t understand it! Even black cop movies are being discarded. It’s madness! Some of my favorite movies of all time have literally been shit on. What does that prove? (Sobbing) Sorry, I need to take a minute. I can’t breathe. Okay. Let me ask you something. *Wiping away a tear* -Why would somebody shit on Lethal Weapon? Why would someone set fire to Hot Fuzz? Somebody even threw Men in Black into the water? Why? This is injustice in its finest hour! I understand shitting on movies like Cop Out, CHiPs, Righteous Kill … those movies sucked. But c’mon! All cop movies matter! I found everything from Bad Boys to Rush Hour. I found at least 1,000 copies of K-9 covered in literal shit. I was combing the lake this morning for floaters and I found a copy of Police Academy covered in what I believe to be semen. What did Police Academy ever do to anybody? Why do people want to burn down buildings and jizz on Police Academy? And the really weird thing is we haven’t seen any copies of White Chicks or Lakeview Terrace floating around. Weird! Right?“
What do our readers think? What cop movies do you think belong in the lake of fire? Would you ejaculate on Cop Out? Does Police Academy still hold up after all these years? Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? We will keep you updated on this breaking story as events unfold. Stay Woke, Videoland!
In other news, Philadelphia’s Rocky Balboa statue has been beheaded and somebody painted a big black penis on the torso with a sign that said “Tango and Cash Sucks!”
Also, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have signed on to direct Do The White Thing: The Musical. A remake of Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing with a modern racist twist. The comedic duo will have a lot of material to pull from considering our current state of events.
Scoop by Servian LeFever