Jurassic Park Marathon
God creates dinosaurs, God kills dinosaurs, God creates man, man kills god, man creates marathon. Time to go back to the age of the dinosaurs and venture through Jurassic Park, The Lost World, Jurassic Park 3, and Jurassic World. Let's talk about movies!
BRAD'S GOLDEN IDOLS
Best Practical Effect: JP T-Rex
Best Comedic Beat: JW Chris Pratt knocks down the dino toys off Lowery's desk
Best Douche Moment: JP3 Paul Kirby tricking Dr. Alan Grant into returning to Isla Sorna
Worst Douche Moment: JP Lawyer Donald Gennaro leaves the kids during the T-Rex attack and sits frightfully on a toilet.
Best Hero Moment (Heroes doing great shit): JP Ian Malcom attempting to lure the T-Rex away from the children with flares.
Worst Hero Moment (Heroes doing dumb shit): JP2 Nick Van Owen unlocking the dinosaur cages, leading to the destruction of a lot of shit and many people injured and killed
Worst Screen Combo: JP2 Ian Malcolm and Kelly Malcolm
Best Screenplay: JP
Best Dinosaur Performance: JW Dying Apatosaurus
Worst Dinosaur Performance: JP3 Spinosaurus, who we nicknamed the Lazisaurus for being boring and lazy. The dinosaur gives up too easily.
Worst Kid or Kid Combo: JP2 Kelly Malcolm
Best Kill: JP Raptors forming an attack pattern and killing Robert Muldoon ("Clever Girl")
Best Dinosaur Moment: JP T-Rex reveal
Best Quote: JP John Hammond: "Welcome to Jurassic Park"
Immortan Joe Mediocre Award: JP2 The entire movie
WTF: JP3 - Alan Grant's talking raptor dream
Best Supporting Actor or Actress: JP2 Pete Postlethwaite
Best Actor: JP Richard Attenborough
Worst Actor: JW Vincent D'Onofrio
Best Actress: JP Laura Dern
Worst Actress: JP3 Téa Leoni
Best Franchise Moment: JP T-Rex reveal
Worst Franchise Moment: JP2 Kelly Malcolm's gymnast raptor face kick
Worst Picture: J3
Best Picture: Jurassic Park
Totals after deductions:
Jurassic Park: 10
Jurassic Park 2: Lost World: 1
Jurassic Park 3: 0
Jurassic World: 2
RYAN'S GOLDEN IDOLS
Best Practical Effect: JP T-Rex
Best Comedic Beat: JP Dennis Nedry excusing himself to get a soda (to steal embryos)
Best Douche Moment: JP Dennis Nedry makes Dodgson pay for his meal "Don't get cheap on me, Dodgson"
Worst Douche Moment: JP2 Nick Van Owen unlocking the dinosaur cages, leading to the destruction of a lot of shit and many people injured and killed
Best Hero Moment (Heroes doing great shit): JP Dr. Alan Grant attempting to distract the T-Rex away from the children.
Worst Hero Moment (Heroes doing dumb shit): JP2 Kelly Malcolm's gymnast raptor face kick
Worst Screen Combo: JW Owen Grady and Claire Dearing
Best Screenplay: JP
Best Dinosaur Performance: JP Raptors
Worst Dinosaur Performance: JP3 Spinosaurus, who we nicknamed the Lazisaurus for being boring and lazy. The dinosaur gives up to easily.
Worst Kid or Kid Combo: JP2 Kelly Malcolm
Best Kill: JP T-Rex killing Donald Gennaro on the crapper
Best Dinosaur Moment: JP T-Rex & the flare
Best Quote: JP Ian Malcolm: "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should!"
Immortan Joe Mediocre Award: JP3 Spinosaurus, who we nicknamed the Lazisaurus decides to stop his pursuit once there's a little boat fire. Fucking lazy!
WTF: JP3 Alan Grant's talking raptor dream
Best Supporting Actor or Actress: JP2 Pete Postlethwaite
Best Actor: JP Richard Attenborough
Worst Actor: JP3 Alessandro Nivola
Best Actress: JP Laura Dern
Worst Actress: JP3 Téa Leoni
Best Franchise Moment: JP T-Rex reveal
Worst Franchise Moment: JP3 When the Spinosaurus, who we nicknamed the "Globalphoneasaurus" has a phone ring in his belly...and it's supposed to be scary.
Worst Picture: The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Best Picture: Jurassic Park
Totals after deductions:
Jurassic Park: 13
Jurassic Park 2: Lost World: 0
Jurassic Park 3: 0
Jurassic World: 0