James Gunn's Alf Eyeing Best Picture Run After New Academy Rule
Earlier this month, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences drafted new rules for Best Picture eligibility. In an effort to promote diversity and inclusion, the cast and crew of Best Picture-eligible films must now include more than one woman, person of color, disabled individual, or member of the LGBTQ+ community.
However, the BloJo Movie Network has recently learned that because many feel these rules are too lenient, the Academy has added a new stipulation: if a film wants to be eligible for Best Picture, it must add an extraterrestrial life form to its cast or crew. Not surprisingly, director James Gunn was ecstatic.
“Alf is going to be an excellent film, but we always figured there was no chance in hell that the Academy would nominate it for Best Picture,” he told us. “It’s too funny, too profane, and just plain bonkers. But now? How many other studio films have cast an alien in the lead role? None. And independent films can’t afford them. So this should be a slam dunk for us, which is why we’re pushing Alf back two years to qualify under the new guidelines.”
When asked if that meant Alf is an actual alien, and not just a person in a suit, Gunn confirmed, “Oh yeah. Do you really think someone would want to spend an entire 15-hour work day in a cramped, smelly suit? Hell no! Although the artificial cat meat has been a bitch to procure. Damn ASPCA.”
Other directors have been far less pleased.
“This is ludicrous,” Martin Scorcese told BloJo. “Alf is an amusement park ride, not a film. And what the hell am I supposed to do now? Cast black actors as Italian gangsters? And now my actresses have to have more than one sentence of dialogue? It’ll ruin my reputation!”
Steven Spielberg added, “I guess I’ll have to go out to space to find some actual aliens now, but I think I can swing it, since I have Elon Musk on speed dial. But I’m dismayed that I’ll have to include more women in my films. Everyone knows that most of my movies are about boys or men, The Color Purple and The BFG not withstanding. Maybe I can ask Kathleen Kennedy for help, although considering what she did to Star Wars, that might not be such a good idea.”
What do our readers think? Can Alf take home the big prize? Has the liberal Academy ruined Hollywood forever? Will more movies now be fueled by cocaine and cotton candy? Please let us know in the comments below.
In other news, Johnny Depp, Nicolas Cage, Angelina Jolie, Miley Cyrus, Joaquin Phoenix, Crispin Glover, Cher, Lindsay Lohan, and Lady Gaga have all confirmed that they are actually space aliens. We’ll keep you informed as this story develops.
Stay Woke, Videolanders!
Story by Matt Foley