Conan the Barbarian vs The Beastmaster
The year was 1982, and two nearly identical muscle-bound fantasy revenge stories hit the big screen, each packed with swords, magic, and cult leaders who really shouldn’t have messed with the hero’s family. Which movie should win the gold?
BRAD’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Location: Beastmaster Arak
Best Character: Conan Conan & Thulsa Doom
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: TIE Conan & Beastmaster Thulsa Doom’s Decapitation & The Hug of Death
Score or Soundtrack: Conan Soundtrack by Basil Poledouris and Zoë Poledouris
Best Screenplay: Conan John Milius & Oliver Stone
Best Special Achievement: Beastmaster Best Use of Animals
Best Scene: Beastmaster Creepy winged creatures show up, liquify the bad guys and save the day
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: Conan What is best in life?
Best Director: Beastmaster Don Coscarelli
Wildcard: Beastmaster Kodo and Podo Award
WTF: Beastmaster Kissing Cousins?
Best Picture: TIE Conan the Barbarian & The Beastmaster
Total after deductions:
Conan the Barbarian: 6
The Beastmaster: 7
NATHAN’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Location: Conan The Tower of Serpents
Best Character: Conan Conan
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: Beastmaster Kodo’s sacrifice
Score or Soundtrack: Conan Soundtrack by Basil Poledouris and Zoë Poledouris
Best Screenplay: Conan John Milius & Oliver Stone
Best Special Achievement: Conan Launching Schwarzenegger’s career
Best Scene: Conan Intro
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: Conan Mako’s Narration
Best Director: Beastmaster Don Coscarelli
Wildcard: Conan Valeria returns as a Valkyrie
WTF: Beastmaster An eagle can’t carry an 8 year old boy
Best Picture: Conan the Barbarian
Total after deductions:
Conan the Barbarian: 11
The Beastmaster: 2
KYLE’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Location: Beastmaster The Sacrificial Temple
Best Character: Conan Conan
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: Conan Snake Stab
Score or Soundtrack: RUBBER CHICKEN
Best Screenplay: Beastmaster Don Coscarelli
Best Special Achievement: Beastmaster Panther and Ferret kiss
Best Scene: Conan Thulsa Doom kills Conan's mom
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: Beastmaster MVP Marc Singer
Best Director: Beastmaster Don Coscarelli
Wildcard: Conan Best Body Award
WTF: Beastmaster How did they know his plan??
Best Picture: Conan the Barbarian
Total after deductions:
Conan the Barbarian: 6
The Beastmaster: 6
BILL’S GOLDEN IDOLS
Best Location: Beastmaster Lair of the Winged Devourers
Best Character: Conan Conan
Best Kill/Death/Defeat: Beastmaster Death of the 3 witches
Score or Soundtrack: Beastmaster Lee Holdridge
Best Screenplay: Beastmaster Don Coscarelli & Paul Pepperman
Best Special Achievement: Conan Launching Schwarzenegger’s career
Best Scene: Beastmaster Creepy winged creatures show up, liquify the bad guys and save the day
Defining Moment/Attribute/MVP: Beastmaster Death of Dar’s dog, probably wasn’t your standard dog/human relationship
Best Director: Conan John Milius
Wildcard: Beastmaster Best Creatures Award
WTF: Beastmaster Kissing Cousins?
Best Picture: The Beastmaster
Total after deductions:
Conan the Barbarian: 3
The Beastmaster: 10