Andrew Garfield pooped himself in the Criterion Closet while reaching for a Blu-ray

Film buffs, avert your eyes, for the sacred sanctum known as the Criterion Closet has witnessed something no arthouse classic could prepare us for. Recently, Andrew Garfield was invited to browse the shelves stacked with cinema’s most exalted treasures. He showed up in a pair of sharp white pants, eager to flex his cinephile chops and pick up a few of Martin Scorsese’s personal recommendations. Little did he know, he would walk away with more than just a few Blu-rays.

It all started innocently enough. Garfield reached for a copy of The Red Shoes, gleeful about the chance to geek out over the movie Scorsese himself had praised as “pure, unapologetic cinema.” But just as his fingers grazed the Blu-ray, disaster struck. Garfield’s face went blank, and in a moment that will live in Criterion infamy, he… well, he popped his pants. The result? A most unfortunate and very visible stain across his once-pristine white trousers.

Apparently, this is the first recorded incident of a guest accidentally pooping themselves while browsing Criterion’s hallowed walls. A seasoned lineup of actors, directors, and film critics have come and gone, and not once has anyone soiled themselves among the Bergman, Kurosawa or Tarkovsky titles. Garfield, with his undeniable charm, now holds that honor exclusively.

Let this be a lesson to all future Criterion Closet visitors: Do not wear white pants. In fact, consider wearing black-on-black, reinforced jeans, or maybe just bring a change of clothes. For as Garfield can now attest, the Criterion Closet is not for the faint of heart (or stomach). Sources say Garfield left quickly, but not without snagging The Last Temptation of Christ, perhaps in the hope of divine absolution.

Scoop by Peter Handwerker