ALF Movie Finally Greenlit By Sony Pictures Animation After Cocaine Fueled Bender
The following scoop has been forwarded to us by The BloJo Movie Network...
After years of waiting, the production of an “ALF Movie” has finally been greenlit by Sony Pictures Animation. Sony Pictures Animation originally purchased the rights to ALF in 2012 from Alien Pictures in hopes of rebooting the series as a live-action hybrid feature. During the lockdown for COVID-19, David Yarovesky, director of Brightburn (2019), stumbled on season 1 of the 1980s comedy while surfing Amazon Prime TV. He had just finished The Boys and just couldn’t get into The Tick.
“I forgot how much I loved [ALF],” Yarovesky screamed, “the alien is so foreign to our culture, but at the same time, he reflects the promise and hope of humanity.” He went on to explain that he remembered how the show ended with ALF being captured by the government and led away to be tortured. “If that’s not a great metaphor for 2020, I don’t know what is.”
Yarovesky contacted collaborator James Gunn, who was “all in” upon just hearing the name “ALF.” Gunn and Yarovesky immediately rode a stolen tandem bike to Sony Pictures Animation and asked studio executives if they could tackle the film, to which the studio executives said, “Yeah, that’s like no biggie or whatever. We forgot we had those. You guys like cocaine and cotton candy?”
After having their fill of cocaine and cotton candy, Yarovesky and Gunn began penning a script. Sustained by nothing but mounds of even more cocaine and cotton candy, the two finished their script in less than three weeks. The script was completed in two, but Sony executives joined Yarovesky and Gunn for a “cocaine and cotton candy-fueled bacchanalian orgy” for the final week. Only two people lost their lives this time.
After the uncontrollable vomiting and nosebleeds subsided, the two pitched their script idea and were immediately greenlit and bankrolled with a budget of $113 million and all the cocaine and cotton candy they wanted.
“Everyone loves ALF,” Tony Vinciquerra, head of Sony Pictures Entertainment, whispered nervously, “almost as much as they love cocaine and cotton candy.”
The film will tell the tale of ALF’s imprisonment and torture at the hands of a secret government agency. In the story, ALF discovers his love of sadomasochism and falls in love with his captors, culminating in an alien love fest with full frontal ALF nudity. Yaroveky promises that the film’s depiction of torture and alien sex orgies, fueled by cocaine and cotton candy, will serve as a gritty and emotionally-touching metaphor for the human condition.
Screen Gems is planning the film’s release to coincide with Mother’s Day 2022. Merchandizers have already begun selling “ALF Movie” inspired bags of cocaine and cotton candy.
Scoop by JJ Moxie